Finding Hope

Hey there! Just thought I’d update the following post I made a few months ago.

i’m still struggling with depression, self harm (though I’ve only cut once in the last year!) and recovering from an eating disorder that i relapsed into about a year ago.

and i’m more optimistic and stronger than ever. not always, and not every day, but right now. enough. and that’s what matters.

I appreciate so much the support I get from my closest friends who feel like family—and certain non-immediate family members who feel like friends. And everyone on here. Yes, I’ve been hurt in the past, but one thing I can say is that reaching out again despite the fear of being hurt again, was one of the best things I’ve done for myself.

Reach out, and keep reaching out. Someone will reach back. And you deserve that.

Sending everyone so much love & hope.

—-

“Did you used to struggle with si?”
-Anonymous

well, i finally feel brave enough to answer this directly.

yes. i did.

it’s been a little over 3 months since i last cut, and though i don’t ever plan on doing it again, it’s still something i struggle with. i can’t predict the future, i just have to focus on keeping myself as safe and healthy (mentally as well as physically) in the present.

i am posting this because someone i got to know a lot better recently who has been through rape, childhood abuse, illness and death of a parent, as well as depression and self injury, was able to call her past a blessing because she’s able to help people after having gone through those experiences. she’s so amazing and inspiring.

i haven’t gone through all those things myself, but i am struggling with overcoming depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts, ptsd, and hospitalization, and have struggled with anorexia in the past (i was 12-13 then and 19 now, but the low self esteem still comes up in other ways). 

i have a wonderful family who i love with all of my heart, but for various complicated reasons, i can’t share this stuff with them. i’ve had friends leave me because they couldn’t handle what i was going through; this was at the some of the worst of my self-injury and depression/suicidal thoughts. however, i now have incredible friends who are always there for me. some have been there the whole time and i just needed to see that.

as i am recovering, i am using my inspiration from the wonderful, strong, beautiful, inspiring people i’ve met through this unbelievably difficult and painful experience. i hope to help people and turn my own life and experiences into a blessing as well.

that’s why i reblog tons of positive and uplifting pictures; it helps distract me and feel better when i’m hurting, and i hope it will do the same for someone else.

if you’ve read all this, thank you for caring. 

i often fear sharing problems because i’m afraid i’ll be a burden, but i know at least logically that’s not true, because that’s not at all how i feel about others, or how i’d want them to feel. one reason i’m sharing all of this because i know it made me feel safer and more comfortable to share openly about what i’ve been struggling with, with those who have first confided that they’d been through something similar. maybe this will do the same.

and even if you haven’t, i want everyone to know that no matter what you’re going through, PLEASE stay strong, keep on fighting, and feel free to message me. i can always respond in your ask if you don’t want me to post it. even if it’s emotionally rather than physically, i’ll be there for you and with you. let’s get through it together!

sending you all hope, strength, and tons of <3 & :)